Thank you everyone for all of your thoughts. And for not asking questions.

Last week basically sucked. All of it. With the exception of Monday night knitting. I could feel a panic attack coming on late Wednesday night and Thursday was completely horrible. We had some sort of audit and had to answer all these questions. I wasn't *really* stressed about it. But it was definately a contributing factor.

What really set me off was seeing someone on the bus on the way home. We worked together years ago. And she ended up being a bridesmaid at my wedding. That's right. For those of you who didn't know already. Thats my big dark secret that hurts me every single day. So for the past 5 years I've been putting a phenomenal amount of effort into not thinking about that time. And seeing her brought that horrible time screaming back.

I walked home from the bus (I do that now, it's quicker) and cried the entire way. Then I had to pull it together enough to talk to the people I was going to camp with and then I went home and broke.

I sat down in my chair and couldn't move. I couldn't think, I couldn't move I was completely numb. Eventually I managed to get myself into the shower. Even with the water on full hot I was so cold I was shivering. Then I wrapped myself in my big huge robe that I NEVER wear and sat some more.

I was able to eventually get myself dressed and finished getting ready for camp. Friday sucked. I tried to tell Nikki what happened and I could only give her the headlines. I have a very strict rule about not crying in steel toes. Barely made it through the day, and that was with leaving 3 hours early.

Camp was ok. I told everyone separately what happened and why I left, and a little bit about how I basically had a breakdown over the winter. They took it really well, and bear no ill will about my leaving.

I still don't know if I can go back in the fall. Right now, I don't want to. But there were definately times this weekend when I remembered why I did it in the first place.

I've been home for awhile now, and spent the first two hours getting progressively angrier until I'm sitting crying. Again.

The one thing I asked the guys to do was water my flowers out front. They didn't. So now my flowers are fried to shit and I don't know if they'll come back. I watered them really good and I'll re-evaluate tomorrow. I got home, any there was still party remnants all over my house. Which is a whole other story, but the short version is that my brother basically took my place in a social circle (which I'm mostly ok with now) but there were certain people that I really didn't want in my house. I'm just relieved that it happened when I was away.

So anyways, my kitchen is messy, the dishwasher wasn't unloaded, the flowers are dying and the animals haven't been fed.

So I phoned my mom and cried. Alot, and I'm not done yet but I'm mostly ok with that. I'll be better once I get it all out. My stress level has gotten pretty high again, and I'm not dealing as well as I'd like.

I'm just trying to decide if I should order chinese food or scrounge for something. I think I'll order in and see if I can settle enough to knit.

This weekend I finished the legwarmers, a brother sock, and got about 2 inches done on a chemo cap for a friend.

Those are the highlights. I'm not nearly as miserable as I'm sure I've come across in this post. It's mostly starting to fade.

Hope everyone else had a fabulous sunny weekend, and I will see you later in the week!